Mundane Musings

At the beginning of each year, I pick a word that I believe God has spoken into my heart and make it my theme for the year. The lens that I try to focus through. Grace taught me to walk in love and forgiveness in 2010. Joy taught me to live fully in 2011 even when things were their unhappiest.

2011 was a hard year. A year that given a choice in the way things played out, I would definitely do some things differently. Things I’d take back. Pain I would rather not have had to deal with. A lot of regret in the last year.

And then came the cancer. A terrible gall bladder attack that led to discovering one of the nastiest cancers out there.

But even though I’ve walked through what I hope will be the hardest year of my entire life, I had joy. Not always happiness, but always joy. A deep abiding joy from somewhere within.

I made a conscious effort to choose joy in ALL circumstances. I chose to chase joy instead of sitting down and setting up camp in the dark places. I walked with my head held high and in the knowledge that God could redeem even that which looks like it’s beyond redemption.

This year, I learned that God is able to do more than I could even imagine. We were blessed with the happiest baby in the world. Who’s middle name is Joy and who brings us just that. We were blessed with a wonderful church merge that has impacted us in ways we can hardly put into words. The joy that flooded our hearts when the dr said the word CURED after my kidney was removed is indescribable.

This year, I’ve learned to CHOOSE JOY in every circumstance. Because even when it seems like life if falling apart, God is good. Only good. Always good. And in His presence is fullness of JOY! (Psalm 16:11)

I’m glad to see 2011 put behind me. I’m looking forward to 2012. I’m looking forward to a return to blogging. I’m looking forward to seeing my baby girl turn 1. To my oldest son getting his learners permit. To my oldest daughter becoming a teenager. To my youngest son finally playing on a traveling baseball team (he’s been waiting, like, FOREVER). To my middle child and everything he has to throw at us this year with his wacky sense of humor and the belly laughs he brings us all. 2012 is a new year. A year of promise. A year to REJOICE!

I know – my blogging is sporadic at best. I’m working on some things for the new year. It’s been a long year with the baby, gall bladder surgery, cancer (which is completely gone now! PRAISE THE LORD!), adjusting to life with FIVE kids, a huge change in the church and all. Time has become a precious commodity and honestly, when I’d sit down to blog, I was just so exhausted that coherent thought was no longer possible.

So, for today, how about a fun Christmas meme! Steal it! I stole it from my dear friend C.C. over at I’m On My Way who stole it from someone who stole it from someone else! But make sure that you leave me a comment so I can come read all your Christmas-y answers! I *LOVE* Christmastime and all the wonderfulness that it brings!

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?

Definitely HOT CHOCOLATE! I’ve got a great new recipe for crockpot hot chocolate that I can’t wait to try!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?

Definitely wrapped! And we go one at a time when we open them! I like to see the look on their faces when they open them all. It’s one of the family traditions from my side of the family that we’ve held on to.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?

White. My kids think it’s boring, but I think it’s classic and elegant. And puts more emphasis on the ornaments – which most have a story to go with.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?

I’m on the hunt for some. I’ve got a perfect place to hang it if I can find it. We always hung mistletoe growing up. In more than one spot!

5. When do you put your decorations up?

The weekend after Thanksgiving generally. Sometimes earlier, sometimes a bit later. But I like to have them up as soon as possible after Thanksgiving.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?

Lasagna/Italian food on Christmas Eve!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?

Christmas day at my grandparents. Packing 50 people into their tiny house and somehow it all being ok because we were all family and all loved. Piling on Grandma’s bed to talk with multitudes of cousins. Playing card/board games. Curling up next to my grandfather on the double recliner and dozing after a great Christmas meal.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?

I don’t remember – I was pretty young. I just remember my parents telling me, “Do NOT tell your sister!”

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?

We open ALL of our gifts on Christmas eve. It’s a family tradition from Chip’s family. And personally, I think it’s GENIUS now that I have kids. (We obviously don’t do Santa around here). They get up and play with their toys at a normal hour and we can sleep in a bit.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?

The kids decorate it. I decided years ago, that I’d let them decorate it and I’d LEAVE IT ALONE! My OCD tendencies try to come out, but the tree is as much for them as it is for me. Someday they’ll all be old and grown and have trees of their own and I can decorate it all fancy then. Until then, they are free to touch, move and cherish the ornaments as much as they want. Even the littlest tiny (who is nearly 11 months! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!) it allowed to remove ornaments on the lower branches to look at and chew on. It just makes the tree a little more special if it’s something interactive and not just something to keep kids away from, don’t you think?

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?

DREAD IT! I could easily live in a tropical climate and decorate a palm tree instead of a pine tree.

12. Can you ice skate?

I can do the basics. I used to be able to really skate, but an injury derailed me. I don’t think I’ve been ice skating since I’ve been married though. I’d probably spend a lot of time on my butt now.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?

My engagement ring. Chip and I got engaged just before I went home for Christmas in 1995.

14. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?

Spending time with family and making the most of the moment. It’s even more important to me than ever after this past year. You just never know what tomorrow might bring. Make the most of it.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?

My mom’s homemade peanut butter cups! So sad that I can’t have any this year.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?

Shopping for the kids traditional Christmas gifts – a pair of pajamas and a book. I love all the hustle and bustle of it all. I love strolling through the mall with Chip and just taking it all in.

17. What tops your tree?

An angel. I’m looking for a nice star, but until I find what I’m looking for, our $4.99 first year we got married angel is going to have to do.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?

Both. I love picking out gifts for people. I’m a good gift giver I think. I put a lot of thought into it. But I love getting gifts too. And gifts from the heart mean a lot more than just buying me something that I need or want.

19. Candy Canes: Yuck or Yum?

YUM-O!

20. Favorite Christmas show?

I love the old classics – Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph, Frosty, It’s A Wonderful Life. My favorite new classic is Elf. LOVE that movie!

21. Saddest Christmas Song?

I dont’ listen to sad Christmas music. Where’s the joy in that? Why let yourself be emotionally manipulated by music that way?

22. What is your favorite Christmas song?

Oh Holy Night andAll I Want For Christmas is You

I’ll be back in a few days with our Christmas letter. I’m not sure how many will actually go in the mail this year! But I’d love to get cards from my readers! Email me for my address if you want to exchange cards!

It’s not often that a new recipe gets a thumbs up from every. single. one. of our family. As in, I’m not sure that has EVER happened. Usually it’s a radical process of tweaking a recipe here and there over several tries before everyone likes it.

Not. this. time.

I saw the recipe a few weeks ago online and used it as a basic guide. It promised to be just as good as Panera’s. I love Panera and their soups. I love nothing better than a steaming hot bowl of soup on a cool, fall evening.

This soup did NOT disappoint, y’all!

So, here’s what you need (sorry, I’m just not all fancy like some of those food bloggers) -

• 5lbs of potatoes – peeled & cut into 1in cubes
• 1 quart of chicken stock
• 1 quart of water
• 2 TABLEspoons of minced garlic (I use the kind already minced – and ROASTED)
• 1 tablespoon of salt
• 1/2 tablespoon of season salt
• 1 tablespoon of pepper (less if you don’t like pepper)
• 1 package bacon pieces (I used the already done kind – fresh would be better)
• 2 – 8oz pkgs cream cheese, softened
• 1 – 8oz pkg cheddar jack cheese, shredded

What you do:

1. Place potatoes, chicken stock, bacon pieces and water in crockpot. Cook on high for 4 hours (low for until potatoes are fork tender.
2. At this point, I took my potato masher to it a bit. I wanted smaller pieces of potatoes and this released some starch into it to the broth to thicken it.
3. Add cream cheese and stir until melted.
4. Add cheddar jack cheese.
5. Cook for 30 more minutes to be sure all the cheese is well incorporate.

Friday afternoon, Chip and Elijah packed up and went off to Men’s Encounter with other guys from iWorshipCenter. A few hours later, my mom came into town. For the first time in almost a year.

Our house is packed. With 7 people and all the stuff they require, we are full up. There is no room at the inn. Only we’re not an inn. We’re a home with a large family.

And while I’m lamenting, why is it that the smaller the person, the bigger the things they require? My oldest can fit his most prized possessions in his pocket (iPod, cell phone, wallet). My youngest though? Her stuff takes up ROOMS! (swing, Bumbo, exersaucer, bouncer, jenny jump-up, boppy pillows). It’s just a lot of stuff.

So, back to the weekend. My mom wanted to take the kids out to do something fun. We stopped at Taco Bell for lunch. Where somehow I’ve convinced my kid that it’s better to eat off the $2 menu than to order anything else. (My secret? It’s the only way they get a soda. If they order anything else they must drink water – which they get ALL. THE. TIME. at home. *exasperated sigh* by my 11yo going on 21).

After tacos, we headed to the Scovill Zoo in Decatur. It’s a nice little zoo and only took us a couple hours to walk through. Monkeys, meerkats, peacocks, chickens, Emily’s first trip to a petting zoo. AMAZING fun! Especially when she started crowing back at the roosters. I want to go back simply because my video of it didn’t turn out. She loved petting the baby goats. And got very excited when the cow said “moo” just inches away from her.

I decided with Chip gone and my mom here, it was a great weekend for a Pinterest project. I settled on making Emily a no-sew tutu. So we were off to Hobby Lobby (where I also bought a Knifty Knitter to make nifty knitted items – anyone with experience want to help me out?). Was quite fun since the store was overrun by 19 and 20 year olds all out looking for items and material for a toga party. I didn’t know they still did those.

Then it was time for a change. As in getting my hairs cut. I got my last hair cut in May. Yes – MAY! Nearly 6 months ago. When it was time to get a haircut, I had a gall bladder attack. Then it was surgery. Followed by having a kidney removed. Followed by recovery. Followed by baseball games/practices, school starting and somehow it was suddenly 6 months since I had one and it was time. I love the way it turned out!

We ran by Target really quickly to pick up a few things I needed (namely a new shirt and some tights for Emily) before getting home 7 hours later!

The problem with Chip being gone is that I do NOT sleep when he’s gone. As in I can’t sleep until I’m sleeping on my feet for the most part and just drop. I got a total of 5 hours all weekend. Not complaining, but definitely thanking my God for sustaining me and giving me GRACE RAIN to get through with JOY!

Sunday was a bit crazy for me. I somehow managed to get 4 kids up and ready without my main helper and to get to the church early enough to make sure everything was up and running smoothly.

After church, I found a man-person to follow us out to Casey’s since it said we had a tire low. Well, two. We pulled out onto the road by our house and it wasn’t just low – it was entirely flat! And we were already 15 minutes late by this point and didn’t have a spare!

So, some quick phone calls and car switching (because there were 6 of us and my mom’s car only holds 5) and we were underway. Angie headed over to post-Encounter celebration and to pick up the guys, while we went to Noah’s game.

Two games (two losses unfortunately) and his season came to an end. Chip and Elijah (and Jordan) all got there just on time to see Noah score. We got a bit of a rally going, but fell just short.

We celebrated the season after the game at Buffalo Wild Wings (Noah’s favorite – he gets wings and then helps me with my nachos – because nachos? YUM! But way too much for one person to eat).

It was a great weekend with a lot of highlights. Lots of crazy antics by my kids. Lots of memories made.

I’m struggling. I’ll admit it. I’m not healing as quickly as I’d like. I’m disappointed. I bounced back so quickly from my gall bladder surgery. Miraculously quickly according to the surgeon. And even though I know a nephrectomy (totally removing a kidney) is a much larger surgery, I still thought by 3.5 weeks out, I’d be farther along in my recovery than I am.

So, I’m doing a lot of resting still. A lot of time with my favorite books. With authors who wreck me in a good way. If you’re looking for a great read, I’d highly suggest One Thousand Gifts: A Dare To Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp or Gracenomics: Unleash the Power of Second Chance Living by Mike Foster (the kindle version of this book is only $2.99 right now so there is no reason NOT to read it. There are apps so that you can read it right on your computer. Get it. NOW!) So much of my world has been flipped upside down in the past few years as I’ve taken a closer look at everything in my life and the way that I look at those things.

So, I’m relaxing today and I’m reading and thinking of my own 1000 gifts. Because i don’t want to get stuck in a funk.

And then I read this:

“That that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave.”

And so I found myself asking the hard questions of myself. Again. How do I see through the holes to the grace? How do I hold on knowing that even this – yes even this trial that I’d never thought I’d find myself in – is for His glory? That ultimately, this is for my own good. Not to hurt me. Not to kill me. But to stretch me. To test me. Because through the stretching and testing comes growth. Comes knowing more. More of not only myself, but also of Him. Of my Jesus.

So, today I’m counting my blessings. I’m thankful for so much and I’m choosing to concentrate on the “yes” things – the things that propel me forward in this crazy, chaotic journey of life. I’m counting my 1000 things. How about you?

Today we celebrate another year of you. We’re nearing a point where we’ve celebrated as many years together as we ever did apart. It only seems right though. Because you are the best part of me and the best parts are meant to be celebrated.

Your kindness and gentleness as you take care of me and the kids moves me. It makes me want to be a better person.

The peace you bring into the storms that rage around us bring a calm to my heart. Knowing everything will be ok as we walk through it together.

The patience you show when the temper and stubbornness gets the best of me inspires me. I’m just so used to having it my own way. You do that out of self-sacrifice and wanting me to be happy. Even above yourself.

The joy that you bring to me can’t help but escape and I find myself wondering how I was so lucky as to be able to not only meet my best friend, but also marry him. You are my soulmate.

I love you, Chip! Happiest of birthdays, my love!

From the outside, I’m sure that our lives look fairly put together. We’ve got GREAT kids who are flexible and well-behaved. We frequently load everyone up and run here and there and everywhere. In fact, this week alone before all is said and done, we’ll have put nearly 1000 miles on our van. And been home every night to sleep in our own beds.

We’re in a new season in life. Nothing since the beginning of the year has seemed normal. We’ve had a new baby. Chip’s parents have moved from 10 miles to 200 miles away. Our church is going through a massive transformation – going from a stand alone church to a campus of a much larger church. I’ve had major surgery. Twice. We’ve become the main care support for Chip’s grandma as she needs to get to doctors appointments or needs help with things around the house. We survived our last year of having 4 kids playing on 4 different baseball teams. Now we’re down to just one kid playing a sport for another two months.

I’m not complaining about any of these things. Each is providing new challenges and new blessings. But it’s made our lives a bit crazy. Routine has flow RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW. (Mercifully, the baby sleeps anywhere and everywhere. As long as she has momma or daddy nearby). We’ll get back to it, but for now, we’re running.

People ask often how I do it. How do I manage things with 5 kids, a home, a husband?

It’s easy really. I have one rule. It’s so simple that some people don’t believe me sometimes.

Keep the first things first.

It’s that simple. I keep the first things first. The important things.

What are the important things?

Jesus. First & foremost. Above all else. I fix my eyes on Jesus. WE fix our eyes on Jesus. It’s not just something that I do. Or Chip does. We do it together. We make our relationship – our FRIENDSHIP – with Christ first in our home. We try our best to live lives that are full of good fruit that would please Him. And when we mess up? We are quick to ask forgiveness. And then to walk in that forgiveness.

Marriage. As much as I love my kids, they are going to grow up and leave me someday. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. But my husband is here – for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in good times and bad, til DEATH do us part. I’m realizing after 15 years of marriage that often the better comes after the worse. The good comes after the bad. And the best years are still to come.

Kids. Yep, in that order. My kids come next. I only have a short period of time with them. I’ve realized this from the very beginning – having lost my dad when I was only 16. You can’t count on tomorrow all the time. So, I’m investing in my kids. Playing with them. Making memories. Teaching them. Keeping them close and teaching them to fly. We cook together. We clean together. We LAUGH together. We instill simple values in their lives that we hope will live on long after they leave our house. Integrity. Honor. Grace.

Those are my First Things. The things that I keep first in my life. Because in the end, those are the things that are going to matter. If at the end of my life, nothing more can be said of me other than I was a simple woman who loves Jesus, honored her husband and raised great kids, then I’ll have lived a good life. A complete life. A chaotic life, but complete nonetheless.

Surgery went well. The doctor is confident that the cancer (which is what this will continue to be defined as until we have the pathology report back) was completely contained within in my kidney.

My kidney that is no longer with me. My kidney that didn’t want to come out and had to be man-handled along with my pancreas, aorta and other organs to get it out. Apparently even my organs are stubborn.

The surgery lasted only about 90 minutes itself according to my chart (I’m a numbers girl, so of course I had to ask), but it took me a longer than normal time to wake up after the surgery.  But I was able to get into my room, told that I didn’t have to even move for 24 hours, hooked up to a pain pump for medication, an IV for fluids, told not to eat and left with my husband.

Unfortunately, my nurse didn’t tell me that my pain pump didn’t work unless I pushed a button on it. Having never used one – because I rarely take Tylenol unless I’m in serious pain – I just thought it did it automatically.

FOUR HOURS after surgery, I finally called the nurses station. “Um, I don’t think this pain medication is working for me, do you think I could take something else?”

The nurse came in and asked how much I’d used my pump? I was all like “What do you mean? You never told me I had to do anything.” Which was evidenced by the fact that she never gave me the button to push – it was still strapped to the back of the machine. And I had witnesses – no one else had heard her tell me I had to do anything either.

So, after a night in pretty intense pain, they got it all straightened out.

At 24 hours after my surgery, I was allowed freedom to get out of bed. To eat a “clear liquid diet” (ICK!). Another 24 hours and I was cleared to eat what I wanted, switch to oral pain meds and told that if nothing changed through the night, I could go home.

So, Monday morning, I was released from the hospital. So happy to be home. With my tribe. Where my heart beats most and healing can truly happen.

Two of my kids went to Missouri for 2 weeks with grandma & pawpaw. Noah had to stay back because he started ball practice last night. Elijah stayed home to help when Chip’s working.

And Chip? My wonderful, awesome, STUPENDOUS husband? The man who stayed by my side the entire time I was in the hospital with the exception of 2 hours on Sunday so he could come home and shower. I hate hospitals. Detest them. So, he was there. By my side. Helping me every step of the way. Cheering me on to get better. Walking with me when I got up out of bed. Going to get me food when the hospital food nearly killed me (seriously, the egg mcmuffin I got from McDonalds was less greasy than the food I ordered from the cafeteria. ICK! ICK! ICK!). Tending to my every need. Staying by my side when I couldn’t keep my eyes open but didn’t want to sleep. I am blessed. And when I count my blessings, Chip is right at the top of my list.

So, I’m home. Recovery. I go to get staples out on Monday. I’m in a little less pain every day. By day 5, I’d say I’m at about the same place I was at 3days post gall-bladder removal. Tomorrow, I have every intention of going to Noah’s scrimmage baseball game. I have a lot of life left to live and I’m ready to get back to it!

Thank you all for your prayers. It’s amazing to know that there were people praying for me literally all around the world. And I’m thankful for each and every one of them.

I’ve had a couple people ask me how I can stay so calm knowing that I have cancer. That I’ll be losing a vital organ in just over two weeks. How I can have so much peace.

It’s easy really. It comes from knowing that God wasn’t surprised by this. He knew I had cancer before I did. He knew before I was born that this would be the road that I would walk. And He promised that He’d walk that road with me if I let Him.

The truth is, this isn’t the hardest thing I’ve gone through in life. Not even in recent years. I’ve had things that have made me question my faith and shaken me to my very core. Things that made me wonder if it was all worth it and why God would let things happen like this. Things that made me wonder if I should just walk away from it all.

Close your mouths. Yes, I’m a pastor’s wife and I had those thoughts. I wrestled with my faith. And that WRESTLING is what led me to know that I know that I KNOW that my Jesus is faithful. That He will walk with me through the darkest of times. That He will ALWAYS be there – even if I can’t see Him through the chaos. Those hard things made me who I am today.

So, August 5th at 12noon, they’ll wheel me into surgery to remove my kidney. To rid my body of cancer.

But I won’t go alone. My Jesus will go with me. And He’ll be with Chip in the waiting room. And with my kids at home. And with countless friends & family who will be joining in together AROUND THE WORLD to pray for me. So, I really can’t think of anywhere I’d rather be that right there with my Jesus.

I have cancer.

There, I said it. The official diagnosis is “renal cell carcinoma.” Kidney cancer.

I’ll admit, when I first heard the word, my heart nearly stopped. I cried my tears. I told my husband (wow, did THAT suck!). And I made doctor’s appointments.

In May, I had my first gall bladder attack. When I had my ultrasound, they discovered a “suspicious mass” on my left kidney. They sent me for a CT scan. And then I “probably” had cancer. Just like that. It’s funny how you can go from one day to the next and have one word alter your entire world view.

I saw an urologist in early June. By this time, two weeks had passed since my CT scan and unofficial diagnosis. I had done my research. I knew what was coming when I walked into that appointment. We were really just there to talk about the options.

We talked about the 5cm mass growing in my left kidney. We talked about how RCC is almost always diagnosed by CT or MRI and biopsies are rarely done. We talked about how fortunate I was that my cancer was found early because it’s either found by accident or not found until it’s already spread.  We talked about the need for surgery. The types of surgery. Where the surgery could be done depending on the type of surgery that I chose.

Together with my doctor, Chip and I both agreed that a radical nephrectomy (completely removing my kidney) was the best option. Because I was choosing this type of surgery, it means it can be done in our local hospital and can be done laparoscopically. It means a shorter hospital stay (2-4 days instead of 7-10).

My cancer is appears to be completely contained within my kidney at this point. The doctor said, “We’ll remove your kidney and then you’ll be cured.” His words. Not mine. There will be no chemotherapy. No radiation. I’ll get to keep my beautiful red hair. I will however be losing a kidney.

Which is ok because apparently you only need 20% of one kidney to live. To survive. Which is exactly what I plan on doing.

So, the kidney cancer was found because I had a gall bladder attack. The gall stones happened as a common side effect of pregnancy. The pregnancy resulted in our beautiful baby girl that we didn’t even know we wanted so badly.

My baby girl who literally saved my life.